Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize