i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
