I heard we made out
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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