med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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