there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
