Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
