I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
