wat bout pragnant strippers??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
