How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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