he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
