I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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