Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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