If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
