i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
