hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Randomize
