And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize