sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
