be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
