coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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