I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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