Umm I'm too high to move.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
