im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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