cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
