I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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