so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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