Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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