How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
