Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
