separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
