having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
