I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
