I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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