My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
did i walk over a car last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
