just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
