i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
please come you make the beer taste better
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
