He disabled his match.com account in front of me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
