Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
