In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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