Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
