I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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