I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
