If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize