The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
