Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
