My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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