R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
