She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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