I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
