The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
