I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
