my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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