we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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