So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
