my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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