I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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