Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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