My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize