I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
