So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
