I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We need to get me chipped asap
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
