eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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